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FINDING HOPE: Caldwell woman opens up about suicidal thoughts

Posted: 7:44 AM, Oct 21, 2019
Updated: 2019-10-21 09:44:17-04

CALDWELL, Idaho — When treating mental illness, asking for help is often the hardest part.

28-year-old Hilliary Miller of Caldwell is proud to be in control of her mental health after spending a majority of her life looking for stability.

"I'm diagnosed with bipolar, PTSD, borderline personality, and anxiety," Miller said. "I've struggled with being in the hospital pretty much all my life."

Miller spent a lot of her childhood and teen years in institutions, not realizing her troubles stemmed from childhood abuse and diagnosed mental illness. For years, she struggled with suicidal thoughts.

"My home life was not very safe, and just dealing with all of the abuse that was going on at home and trying to get away from that but not knowing how," Miller explained. "I would think things like, 'This world would be better off without me,' and, 'All this pain would end if I was not alive anymore.'"

As a suicide survivor, she made the monumental decision to get help improving her mental health, ultimately making the decision to want to live.

"I didn't want to get healthy for a while; for a while I just wanted to wallow in my self-pity, but decided I didn't like that anymore that life isn't fulfilling that way," Miller explained. "I want a fulfilling life, I want a life that I love, I want a life that when I wake up in the morning I'm like, 'Yes! Let's live the day!'"

After years of therapy, treatments, and medications, Hilliary learned how to handle negative thoughts and heightened anxiety through different coping skills, no longer needing consistent therapy.

"It's so amazing, so amazing, to not have to live my life from psych appointment to psych appointment," Miller said.

She feels if she would have opened up about her mental health a lot earlier in life, she would've reached mental stability much sooner. She's now encouraging others in her situation to take that first step sooner rather than later.

"It's okay to ask for help, and asking for help doesn't mean your weak, it doesn't mean that it's a bad thing, it just means that in your time of need there are people out there that can help you; you don't have to suffer alone," Miller said.

If you or someone you know is facing suicidal thoughts, you can always reach out to the Idaho Suicide Prevention Hotline at (208) 398-3457.