EAGLE, Idaho — An Eagle neighbor is opening up about one of the toughest times of her life in a new book, sharing how conversations with other widows are helping many navigate life after grief.
Susan Balcom Walton lost her late husband, Mark, to cancer during the first year of the COVID-19 pandemic. His funeral was held just eight days before her fall college teaching semester began.
Living in eastern Idaho at the time, hundreds of miles away from her three grown daughters and eight grandchildren, Walton said she felt physically isolated. She credited her students on Zoom as being her "lifeline" during that difficult period, but as the holidays approached, she knew she needed to make connections with people who understood her journey.
"I connected with an old friend of mine who had been widowed a few years longer than I, and we decided to have Thanksgiving lunch together on Zoom," Walton said.
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Because both women were quarantined in their homes for the holiday, Walton set out her best china and crystal on her desk next to her monitor for the virtual meal. She said the experience was "soul-satisfying" — they laughed, cried, and talked.
That virtual Thanksgiving lunch was the first of many. That night, Walton took out a notebook and made a list of women to reach out to — some old friends, some recommended by others — representing a variety of ages, life situations, and faith traditions.
Those conversations eventually became the inspiration for her book, "Lunch with the Widows: What I Learned About Living After My Husband Died." The book originated as a live presentation she gave at BYU-Idaho's Education Week in 2023 before she spent two years turning it into a manuscript.
Walton said she was grateful she had time to prepare for Mark's passing. Mark had a successful kidney transplant in 1997, but the immunosuppressant drugs he took made him more susceptible to other diseases. In 2013, he developed squamous cell carcinoma, a skin cancer on his face. He lived with cancer for seven years before passing away from metastatic cancer in 2020.
Walton noted that most of those seven years were "very, very good years" where Mark continued to work, and they traveled. But knowing what was coming allowed her to start preparing.
Walton shared her story while walking her dogs, Ivy and Rowan, along the Boise River. She said her ability to be grateful for the continuing good things in her life was "probably the single biggest factor in my mental health, especially that first year."
After Mark passed away, she received hundreds of messages from all over the world. She decided to reach out and thank every single person who sent a message, an act that reinforced her gratitude for having him in her life.
She said one of the most important lessons she learned from another widow was the practice of linking grief and gratitude — coupling a sad experience with a reason to be thankful.
"I might get up and say, Mark, I'm getting on a plane today, and I'm going to see our oldest grandson graduate from college. I'm so sorry that you can't be there, but I am so grateful that you had 16 years with that boy and that he was able to know you and know how much you loved him," Walton said.
Mark, originally from Southern California, was a scientist and public policy expert who loved to fish. Walton described him as a "quiet, gentle person" with whom she traveled all over the world.
The river trail is a place where Walton reflects on the home she built with Mark in 2000 and the life they shared in Eagle. Walton has actually lived in Eagle three different times. When she began transitioning into retirement from college teaching, she was drawn back to the city because of her extended family, long-time friends, and love for the area.
Walton also learned the importance of asking for help. She admitted she was not very good at that previously, often thinking she could handle everything on her own.
"For a long time, I thought that that was a sort of nobility, and I've come to realize more strongly in my widowhood that for me at least, the reluctance to accept help was a form of pride. And I needed to really develop some humility about that and acknowledge that I needed help from people," Walton said.
Her book includes practical tips for both widows and those trying to support them. For widows, she suggests setting aside specific, smaller tasks to give people when they offer to help. For example, she asked young women from her church to bring shredders and brownies to help her destroy her late husband's consulting documents — turning an overwhelming task into an enjoyable afternoon of connection.
Walton organized her book by topics that are of interest to widows and widowers, rather than chronologically. Topics include making decisions as a solo decision-maker, continuing a connection with the person who is gone, and figuring out what to do with the rest of your life.
She shared a powerful realization she had while standing in front of Mark's gravestone in central Utah for the first time. She noted how disconcerting it is to see a gravestone with your own name and birth date already carved into it, waiting for the death date. She titled a chapter in her book "The Uncarved Surface" based on this experience, which prompted deep personal introspection about her life's mission and purpose.
Walton noted that her faith as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has been a "huge anchor" for her, bringing her comfort in the belief that families can be together forever and she will see her husband again.
But she also shared a statistic that widows, on average, live 14 years after their husbands die — "a long time to figure out what you're going to do."
To figure out that next chapter, one widow advised Walton to think back to what brought her joy before she went to college, before she met Mark, and before she got married. Following that advice, Walton picked up racquetball again — a sport she played in college but hadn't touched in decades — and joined a weekly group of women early in her widowhood.
While the book highlights a smaller number of specific stories, Walton said she has spoken to and learned from many widows who offered her encouragement and support.
Walton emphasized a core realization from her journey: "We will always be widows and widowers. We might move somewhere else, we might reforge a career, we might remarry, or we might not, but that grief and loss will always be with us."
She pushed back on the phrase "moving on," comparing it to weaving around a terrible accident in the road. Instead, she prefers the concept of "moving forward."
In 2022, Walton remarried. She met George Scheff, a fellow widower, who now walks that road with her. Walton was married to Mark for 43 years, and Scheff was married to his late wife for 49 years.
"You add those together, that's 92 years, and at my age, hitting 100 married life sounds like a really good idea. That's our goal, to hit at least 100 and hopefully surpass it," Scheff said.
Walton described her view on remarriage, noting that a second marriage is not a "pale imitation" of a first marriage. Instead, it is "quite simply its own unique entity."
Walton and Scheff actively discuss how to continue honoring and preserving the memories of their late spouses. She explores this concept in the epilogue of her book, titled "The Sanctuary."
Scheff found his own way to practice gratitude after losing his wife. When his late wife was in rehabilitation, she met an artist-in-residence who showed her glass art at Fusions Glass Studio in Eagle. She came home and told Scheff he ought to do it because he would enjoy it.
Today, Scheff takes an hour or two every day to make small glass pendants, which he gives away as random acts of kindness to servers, helpful strangers, or people he strikes up conversations with. Walton noted he has given away about 3,000 pendants since becoming a widower.
"That's been a really great part of my recovery, I think," Scheff said. "I think Susan speaks for herself, but I will thank her for teaching me how to smile again."
Walton hopes her story will help others realize they do not have to navigate loss alone.
"It's a road we'll be on for the rest of our lives, and it is a better road, and it's a more meaningful road, and it's an easier road when we can connect and learn from people who are on that road with us," Walton said.
"Lunch with the Widows" is published by Cedar Fort Publishing and Media and is available for order on Walton's author website.
