MOVIE REVIEW: 'The Huntsman: Winter's War'

Posted at 6:59 AM, Apr 22, 2016
and last updated 2016-04-22 08:59:51-04

While by no means a good movie, "The Huntsman: Winter's War," is a great fit for certain audiences.

If you fall into any of these categories, this is one for you:

  • Those who think "Frozen" is too cheery and are looking for something to prove to them that Elsa is actually an evil, ice-burping monster.
  • Anyone who can't wait a couple weeks for Thor to pop up in the next Marvel movie and desperately needs to see Chris Hemsworth fling a heavy metal instrument at anything and everything he sees.
  • People who are suffering the conditions of having too much money and too much free time.
  • Emily Blunt's parents.
  • Kristen Stewart, to erase any bitterness of being left out of this wacky game show.

As for everyone else, proceed with caution on the icy, swervy road this Mad Libs of a movie presents.

The prequel/sequel to the visionary 2012 "Snow White and the Huntsman" is a thing that makes you go "hmm." Weighed down with a nonsensical story and dialogue as leaden as Flint tap water, it's the most fractured of fairy tales. 

The movie starts off by swiping the setup for "Frozen," with sisters divided after spurned ice queen Freya (Emily Blunt) learns she can burp up ice crystals, then heads up north to let it go, let it go and open up her own skating rink kingdom. There, she raises up an army of 'huntsmen,' which by Title IX is required to also raise 'huntswomen.' She becomes bitter that members of Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw start getting the hots for each other, and casts the one that looks like Thor (Hemsworth) off into to the woods, while keeping the one who looks like Anna (Jessica Chastain) to help her with #squadgoals, such as finding the magic mirror that unseen Queen Snow White misplaced.

Thor also wants the mirror, so he buddies up with a pair of sarcastic dwarf dudes who help him locate sarcastic dwarf chicks and form a big, happy family who chase down treasure goblins who may or may not have the magic mirror. 

There are so many dramatic questions to ponder as this madcap adventure unfolds. Will Thor hook up with Anna and slay Elsa and the other wicked queen (Charlize Theron) who died in the first movie but may or may not show up in this movie but definitely will because the trailer shows that she does? Will the girl dwarves swipe right on the boy dwarves? Will Hemsworth get a new agent? You shall find no spoilers here.

Director Cedric Nicolas-Troyan's movie is magical, in that it manages to make two hours seem like four, make good actors seem like hacks and make ice burps unintentionally funny rather than as terrifying as they should be.

But hey, if that's the kind of movie you're looking for, your hunt's ended here, man.

RATING: 1 star out of 4